Here's a quick overview for 2018-19:

1. Diagnosed with depression and anxiety and now taking meds for it
2. Suffering from occasional panic attacks that include hyperventilating, numb limbs and face, endless tears and negative self thoughts
3. Got a dog named Charlie who is my saviour
4. Got a new job which I actually sort of like and not getting so depressed about it
5. Things are going great with me and drew

So much of 2018 triggered my anxiety and depression that it all fell into one big black hole that was destined to implode. And it happened. And it felt/feels incredibly shit.

I guess it all started when i started uni and i was on my own for the first time. My therapist made me realise that my whole entire life I always had someone I knew with me. Primary school was cool. I had a good self esteem because I was the sporty kid and that's all people knew me for which I didn't mind. Highschool came and I made new friends which were friends til the end of highschool. 

Then came uni. Which was a test to everything. I was by myself. Noone went to usyd. Noone was my friend. I tried making friends but noone makes friends in usyd. Tbh they were snobs. Every morning i cried on the way to tutorials because i'd sit in the class waiting anxiously for whether the tutor would pick on me and i was always nervous to answer because i just didn't understand the work. I really shouldn't have went to uni. It just made me a worse person, mentally.

All my jobs were given. My sister referred me to my first job and i worked with her. My second job was working for my uncle at his pharmacy which i still work at. Then the third job, which crashed me even more, was most definitely given to me because my eldest worked there and I mentioned her in my interview. That job shouldn't have happened because it made me take meds.

So as you can see (and so does my therapist sees), I've never been alone. I always worked with someone I knew and went to school with people I knew. And the one time I didn't know anyone was in university. 

And that's when, ladies and gents, I started having social anxiety. Hated going out without people I knew. Hated big parties/outings. Hated meeting new people. Hated catching up with old friends. There was just nothing in the middle that made me feel socially open to talk to people. And as a result, I found out I'm a big fat introvert. 

I used to think I was an extrovert because I was outspoken in school and liked answering questions or talking in class, but nope. I'm an introvert. I found out i like to chill at home. Didn't like going out all the time with even my friends or boyfriend. I kept to myself a lot. I didn't/don't share a lot of things about myself. I was/am quiet. And i used to feel really shitty about this part of myself because people have said these things about me, but seriously. That's who I am. Accept it. Don't tell me otherwise. Don't put me down because of these things you don't like about me. If i don't share things openly like you, that's who I am. I'm not sharing anything to you because i don't like or trust you. I just like to talk to myself and write stuff down in a diary. I just work that way ok. I used to think for a seriously long time that this was a problem I had to fix about myself, but now id like to say f* you if you ever want me to change.

That's one part of myself that I had to overcome. And gosh it took a goddamn long time. A freaking long time to have ACCEPTANCE. ACCEPT WHO I AM AS OKAY.

Anyway anxiety sucks but I've overcame it slowly.

I try to go gym, jog, play with my dog charlie everyday, listen to music and watch glee at night (lol).

But happy news. I finally got a job which i earned myself. And this time, I knew noone and am working with strangers. So first step to overcoming social anxiety and anxiety in general because it's not easy being new to the job and meeting like 50 people in Priceline. Thankfully everyone is super lovely and helpful and I have this background in pharmacy that allows me to transfer smoothly into this new job. I still have anxiety thinking about it the night before i go to work because im still so hard on myself and think im going to make mistakes - what's wrong with you emily- kind of thoughts. 

Yeah... but having charlie, friends, family and drew beside me is really comforting. Drew has been a huge sport. This has been something new to him and i used to be harsh on him for not knowing what to do when i was panicking but now he knows and i love him. 

Charlie too. He may be a dog but dogs have feelings. I took him out to pee at 3am this morning and for some reason, I just got sick while walking downstairs. I started to get cold/hot flushes in my head and my head froze so i collapsed on the stairs trying to make my way up to get someone to help me. Anyway charlie was the first to get to me coz he went to pee lol but he barked and my mum came and from what she told me, she just saw me on the stairs and it scared the living shit out of her. Turns out i fainted... from not eating properly.... that's another story. ANYWAY drew recalls charlie jumping to my side and looking all frantic and then he sat on the ground just watching quietly and patiently to see what was happening to me. And then drew picked him up and he laid next to me. 

So mentally, my health isn't at the greatest. I'm still dealing a lot with my confidence, self-esteem and body image. I'm like your typical teenage girl who looks at instagram models and wishes i was them. Nah i know im not going to be as beautiful or skinny or pretty and glamourised as them. But life's not fair you know. And tbh I dont know if i like my life. I struggle to like it and create it because i don't even know who the hell i am.

I'm like a big question mark. Gosh i hate myself so much. This whole damn post is about talking down on me and how a bloody rollercoaster my life has been. Why can't i just be a dog

So i'm trying to use this platform as my form of therapy since i'm not seeing a therapist or my psychiatrist. They're expensive. I hope to get off my meds one day. My psychiatrist said that once i have my life wrapped around the way i want it, my life will get better and there will be no space for depression. That's when i get off them. 

at the moment, things are cool. They're okay. Nothing dramatic or nervous. 

I can't wait for the day when i love my life and me.

catch you later