Uni.

That's me trying to see what's on my laptop screen because the sun is at the back of my head in this photo and the rays are reflecting off it. Also if you can see, there's a giant Buddha in the back. Hey Buddha.

guess where my head is right now?
Right where it was in first year.

Do you ever get this heavy feeling weighing at the back of your head because you know there is so much to do and you just don't know how to find the time to do it.

Not even kidding. It is an actual heavy feeling on the back of your head, like an extra pumping tumor that's taking the life out of you. I've been waking up with that for the past 4 days as well as having consecutive dreams about uni and work. And I wouldn't call it stress because I'm on top of my schedule this sem but it's more of uncertainty and self-doubt that's really pulling my self-esteem down. I don't believe in myself more that I normally should. If one thing is a disaster then it proves to me that everything else is going to be a disaster. And that in effect, affects everything that I do from the moment I wake up in the morning til the moment I prepare for sleep.

I need to love myself more and tell myself that I can do things even when they are going wrong. I lost all that confidence walking into uni because the work was either a test of your intelligence or a test of your independence. I'm doing alright with independence but intelligence, I've never felt so incompetent. I wished I was smart and wise.

THIS IS SO BAD. THIS IS SO DEGRADING.

I just had a sudden realization that this isn't good for me LOL That talking about myself and what I want or wish for is not going to be the solution.

basically to me:

UNI= COMPARE YOURSELF TO EVERY SMART HUMAN BEING IN YOUR DEGREE

I shouldn't do that anymore.


I finished a group presentation today and that threw off a whole heap of weight off my shoulders because now I don't have to deal with any more presentations til next sem.

now i just have a shitload of essays to do.


:)



Tuesday, April 28, 2015 2:29 PM