Being lonely sucks when it's forced by people around you
I hate being put into situations where I'm left out of conversations or groups because all these people are familiar with eachother, so they neglect the odd one out

I've just finished oztag and it has made me more than just lonely. It's made me feel judged, left out, ignored and out of place. I feel like I'm playing with strangers. I come to the game and play, then leave. Do the same thing every week. I don't even know why I'm playing with them. I never look forward to any game. I wished it always rained at every game. These people make me feel so left out and I was the only one new to the group. Everyone else had known eachother for years through being in the same highschool and I completely understand that, but when I'm playing the game I'd like to know who I'm playing with. I want to know them. And I've tried. They only need to know one person's name, mine. I have to know all of them and guess how I tried learning their names? Through one person who told me everyone's name.

I feel like everytime I play and I miss a tag or drop a ball, they judge me. I'm not the only that misses a tag or drops the ball. It's the fact that I'm new, I'm still being observed. If i'm going to play in this team, treat me like a team member. I'm not separate. I'm part of the team. Tell me if I'm doing something wrong. Communicate and talk to me rather than talk behind my back. I'm new. Treat me well.

I feel like shit

The last time I felt like this was in highschool, in years 9 and 10 in Sport science class.
I literally had no friends. No friends. I've known these people at the time for 3-4 years but they were not my friends. I sat by myself. I studied by myself. Everyone else around me would tease me because I sat at the front and I paid attention. Wth is wrong with paying attention? It was because I wanted to learn that everyone else in the class that didn't want to learn, made me look like a fool because I was the odd one out. Sometimes I feel like being the good girl isn't always great.

But I can't be bad or rebellious. I can't break big rules. I can't make myself take drugs or smoke cigarettes. I can't do those things and at times, I feel like that's how I'm left out in those kind of situations. I'm not used to drama. Excessive profanity. I was brought up differently and if I choose to conform to those kind of things, then that's not me.

And so I feel incredibly sad because I'm left out. I'm completely ignored and judged by these people who chose me to be in their team but collectively don't treat me like I'm a part of it.

I hate myself sometimes. I hate myself for saying that why can't these people be nice, stop judging me, say hi, be polite. I hate how I tell people to stop being so rude. That why can't nicer people exist more in the world? And then I think that maybe I'm too nice and i want too much niceness in the world that simply I need to wake up and realize that there will be shitty rude people everywhere and I should toughen up about it. I need a stronger heart. I need to not give a crap about what people say

I hate groups. I hate large groups. I hate having a lot of friends. I never knew why people always saw having more friends meant the more merrier. What I see is distance.

I'm so done with people. I'm so done with myself. I'm so upset with who I am. I'm so upset at you. I'm so upset at the people I've met and have hurt me. I'm upset that I'm upset. I'm upset with my life.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014 10:26 PM