Break tyymee

I had a really good sleep and a really really good dream. My body was aching the night before because work was so busy and I couldn't have a proper lunch so when I came back home, I dived into dinner. And there was a lot of food because my parents had a wedding reception thing in the morning and came back home with tonnes of food and I couldn't stop eating.

This morning I woke up with a stomach ache haha

But damn that dream was so good I wanted to record it. In fact I'll record it in my diary after this post. It was one of those dreams where it was... actually a dream. You want it to happen, not that you were imagining it and creating stuff like monsters, flying, a fantastical world.. not that kind but realistically thinking that it could possibly happen.

Have you ever spent a lot of time with yourself and create scenarios that you wished could happen? Sounds a bit lonely.. and strange but I do that a lot. I like to think, what would happen if a pregnant lady walked into my store and then unexpectedly started giving birth? What would happen if I was taken at gunpoint infront of my family? Would I elbow him on his ribs then twist his wrists to take the gun? geeze, I've put a lot of thought into this lol But I guess what I'm saying is that I create a little world of my own and I play different characters, and I love that. I love being able to project different personalities and qualities of uniqueness and hope that one day I can actually play that character in front of someone. I don't know... really.. like it sounds super weird but what I play out is mostly what I wish could happen to me.

And that's why my dream was so good because I could watch it and for some reason, control it. It was like watching my life evolve after my dreams came true and I was so happy. Then when I woke up I was like pinching myself for having to wake up and not continue this awesome dream lol and also surviving another day of emptiness and incompleteness. The moment I open my eyes from any sleep, I'm always like 'great. what's on my schedule for today..'

At the same time I ask myself, if I want these things to happen then why am I not making them happen? Most of the time it's because I'm shy and unwilling and lately I've just spent so much time with myself, I've kind of lived under a rock. I also don't want the feeling of rejection because I've felt like the past year.. or first year of uni infact, revealed to me my insecurities and weaknesses and that's put my self-esteem down waaay low than what I felt in high school.

I noticed that I want a lot of things to happen because of this dream. It compiled everything into one night and now I'm feeling a little helpless because I'm not making it happen.

Sunday, May 11, 2014 2:19 PM