I was okay until Saturday.

I'd give you a whole story about the man who walked back into my workplace and started getting upset with me but I'm getting a bit fragile now so I think I'd describe what I'm feeling instead.

It's like I had two bubbles in my head, one labeled work, the other labeled uni. These have never touched each other during the course of my degree or since I've started working. They've never overlapped one another because I was able to control these 'bubbles' from touching each other. But since Saturday I've felt like they've burst.

When I study for an exam I can memorise things pretty quickly, like lines off a play. But now when I study and try to memorise things, they don't stick in my head. I'm just reading the words. Not reading them with purpose and I'm upset and worried. I've never felt like that. Never felt like I couldn't get the information stuck in my head. Every time I remember a page, I go through the page again and I can't remember it now and that pisses me off because I could always remember things so well.

I finished a lecture just then and sat throughout it without listening to anything because my head was drifting into something else and now I'm trying to remember what I was thinking of but I can't. I'm afraid I've gone completely blank and I don't know what to do.

And how much memory or thoughts can your brain actually hold? Because I feel so overwhelmed. I flip page after page and after every page it feels like it never ends because I see that there's 20 more pages after that. I hate that I feel this way because it reminds me of first year and I wanted to give up. First year was so so painful that only my tears can describe it.

Work is not leaving my head and I hate that man so much. When my workmate told me what he said about me, it hurt because it wasn't true. It was a lie and never has it ever made me hate lies or liars so much before. I hate dealing with people like that. I hate fear.

So now I'm trying my best to remember these notes and put my focus on uni rather than work.





Tuesday, May 27, 2014 3:26 PM