I'm going to blog a bit because I finished my 2.5k word essay and I'm 200 words above. And tbh I don't know how I'm going to shorten it because everything I wrote down is sooo important.

So I deserve a break.

I had a panic attack this morning. My clock said 8.30am and since it was daylight savings during the night, I reminded myself it was 7.30am so I can still sleep in til 8.30. Anyways when I woke up at 7.30 I choked on my own breath and my heart was coming out of my throat (that's what it felt like). My heart was beating so fast, it felt like it was coming out of my throat. Not my chest. My throat.

And funny enough, the second last episode of How I met your Mother (although I don't watch it, I just wanted to see the last two final episodes) when Robin was having a panic attack and ... idk her name.. but the Mother told Robin that it's better to take 3 deep breaths than one. And for some reason that appeared in my head during that time so i took 3 deep breaths and I started to feel my heart come to a calm.

I was panicking because I was stressed. I don't like doing things on my own or knowing that I'm on my own. This essay was stressing me out and I have a presentation tomorrow and that was freaking me out too. Then when I got out of bed I was literally like 'who cares about how perfect the presentation has to be, just get the information out there'. And I guess what scared me about the presentation was what people will think of me. I don't want people to be bored nor do I want them to feel like I'm talking about nonsense. I just get so worked up on things like this.

I get worried over so many things, sometimes I let it take over my entire day and when people ask me how was my day I'd say it was crap but actually I just made it crap when it could've been a really great day if I didn't worry or think about the things that aren't even there. This happens almost every Sunday. I was feeling great last Sunday but all the Sundays before I felt like complete and utter shit. I was sad that Monday was the next day and I had uni. That every week follows more and more work. Uni makes me sad, as you can see.

My uncle keeps asking me how's second year? how's uni? and I'd always tell him I hate it and he'd always tell me 'Luong (chinese name), if you don't like uni then why don't you just quit. Just work and earn yourself some money and find what you're interested in after. And even if you're not interested in anything specific, then go travel the world and find it there.'

He's actually a very wise uncle. I labelled him in my phone 'Financially advisable uncle'.

I think about uni all the time whether it's for me or not. For some people it's not even a question to encounter because it's almost necessary for them to go to uni.. it was either a 'plan' or 'aspiration' or 'life or death' situation that I must go to uni. For me at first it was a goal to finish highschool then go on to uni. That was how life presented itself to me. Preschool> primary> highschool> university> work> family> retire. But maybe university isn't for me. Maybe it was something embedded in my mind to think that your life will become perfect this way. And who said university was necessary. My parents that is but I'm not happy and I thought second year would make things a lot easier but it's the same. It's just the same boring, isolating, detached feeling I felt in first year.

But I don't want to quit because I don't want to feel emptiness and go about life without a purpose. If i can find something for myself during my time in uni, if traveling is possible with the money I save up from work, then maybe, just maybe I can find a purpose there for me. Sunday, April 6, 2014 1:13 PM