There comes a time when you feel a bit sorry for yourself and by this, I don't mean splurge your money on shopping or indulge in chocolate and waffles. What I mean is that sometimes you have to stop being yourself and be free.

I've noticed I restrict myself in a lot of ways, purely because I know that this is the wrong thing to do, so don't do it. But when I think about it, I'm just missing out on so much fun. Sometimes I wish I could be mean to people honestly, whenever I like and not hurt them. Sometimes I want things to go my way and not have anyone complain or interfere. Sometimes I want to let go and be free without anyone having to judge. I wish I could do all these things but I always, always tell myself it's never a good idea.

The thing is, when people say that they don't care about what others say about them, they seem confident about it. I admire that. Because I don't think I could ever handle it. I don't think, if I've ever heard someone say something crappy or mean about me, I could get over it. Instead I'd improve myself.. and yet again, I'm restricting myself. I've always told myself 'if you do this Emily, you're a bad person. Don't be a bad person'. Yes, I don't want to be a bad person but I'm completely overlooking at what a bad person really is.

I went to a party the other night, most would probably know. And I didn't drink. I intend to drink on my 18th to make it special. But during the night, people were drinking and taking shots and there I was sitting down watching them take a gulp of ... whatever it was... and they were all having a really good time. I was thinking 'yeah I wished that was me, but no, don't.' There was a point when seeing drunk people wasn't a great sight because I wasn't drunk and I couldn't feel the energy that they were feeling. I went for a drive to a park with a couple of friends and that was really fun. I said at the park that 'This feels like it's the last day of holidays, the night before uni and when our whole lives start'. I stared at the stars because the entire night sky was open to us... since it was a park. It was really lovely.

Then we got back to the party and people seemed more calm. Around 2-3 people were heavily drunk so the sober and less drunk or more tolerable people assisted them to vomit. I had fun looking after them, not because they were drunk and probably feeling like crap inside but because I really cared about looking after them. I was so relieved when some of them had vomited and then they would look at me in that still moment to indicate that they felt slightly better. It felt really good. I felt like a nurse LOL

I always thought to myself that you can still have fun without alcohol but after that night, I don't know whether it's true anymore. I saw so many people have fun and chatting away. They were dancing and having a blast and I wanted to be them. I don't think alcohol will be nice to me though. I get big stomach aches by just drinking cold milk in the morning in my cereal. (Fun fact: I heat my milk). You'll see me on the floor so if I drink the maximum amount of alcohol on my 18th, I think I'd be crying out for my mum or the ambulance. I get my stomach problems from dad, since he's a skinny man from Cambodia and takes meds to cure his digestive system. It was nice to play nurse at that time but I kind of wanted to be nursed myself. I wanted to do all the things that I've told myself strictly not to do and completely be noone. I just... I just want to have fun without telling myself no.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013 11:03 PM