How did it come to this? Why am I all of a sudden unhappy?
I can't come to a conclusion why I'm like this way. Why I always think too ahead and become so worried.

The thing about me is that I like to compare. Compare myself with other people .. in my mind. I say awful things about myself in my head everytime a person presents an excellent essay or a person has no difficulties in mathematics. This is what makes me so pessimistic.

Pessimism: an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome.

I have the worst disorder in the world. This "pessimism" is driving me mad. As much as I try to control this, it doesn't get any better. I think of optimistic solutions, let me rephrase that, i TRY to think of optimistic solutions but guess what, it doesn't work.

I feel troubled, dumb, depressed and weak. Dumb. That's the last thing i want to call myself but my disorderly comparison with other students is becoming a habit and I honest can't stop.

There's you. You're not only are a nice girl with high standards and big expectations, but I am entirely intimidated by you. "You scare the living shit out of me that my pessimism GROWS like no tomorrow". You make me cry because you make me feel dumb. You make me THINK and WORRY every single day of my school life NOW. I compare you and me and what do I see, a dumb girl competing with a smart one. There's just no competition between us. I can't beat you even if i wanted too.

While school becomes a torment to me, the subjects I've chosen has no become a huge concern in my daily life. Often now I would come home and lay in my bed and think. That's all I do.
Think. Worry. Cry. Concern.

I'm in deep fear that the subjects I've chosen aren't the ones that I'm most passionate about. Literally full of concern that these subjects will bring me down in HSC. Point, another pessimistic concern.

Lately Maths has been a dread. Knowing that the topic I'm learning "seem" to be easy, it's not for me. I've been struggling and wanting help ALL the time. This feels like shit. Which brings more pessimism.

Visual Arts, chose it because I had nothing else to choose. Didn't know why i didn't consider Modern History. Kill me now. The practical lessons are alright but the theory is a killer. No joke. I don't know why i sit there in that classroom and wait for a miracle to come when I know it won't.

English, my main focus. Despite how terrible i was in year 10, I'll do my very best in this subject. This, Ancient History, Drama and vet course SLR is what I've been focusing on. 2 freaking subjects, VA and Maths are the toughest and the hardest. So could someone just kill me right now. I wouldn't mind somebody just stabbing me or shooting me behind the back of my head. I'd rather die than live and know what my life will be in the future.

I sound like a depressed, idiotic and sad bitch but i never talk to people about these things because i hide them. I hide them because i dont want my worries to be their worries.


I need tissue.
Thursday, February 10, 2011 10:31 PM