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the dark side
random thoughts i can't put into proper sentences
I always feel lonely.
I don't have a lot of friends. I know a lot of people out there don't care about me. I've been feeling like that for a while now. That people don't care about me and I know they don't because they don't talk to me. Or ask me to hang out or go anywhere. Or how I'm doing. Or care to listen. I feel like an outcast. I feel excluded. I feel so lonely. I feel so alone in this world battling with everything. I don't have a bestfriend. I don't have a close friend. I feel misplaced and different from everyone else. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like if I left this world, that noone would notice or see a difference. That noone would care because I was nobody's friend. I feel alone all the time. I feel hollow and sad, and not important. I don't mean a lot to people. I know I've been talked about. I know I've been forgotten. Is there something wrong with me? Have i done something wrong? I've dreamed of bad things. I've dreamed of scary things. I've thought it over and over so many times. I won't be missed. I won't make a difference. I don't mean anything to anyone. Sunday, February 9, 2020 9:01 PM 2019
It's been way too long. I don't even know where to begin
Here's a quick overview for 2018-19:
Basically anxiety anxiety anxiety
So much of 2018 triggered my anxiety and depression that it all fell into one big black hole that was destined to implode. And it happened. And it felt/feels incredibly shit.
I guess it all started when i started uni and i was on my own for the first time. My therapist made me realise that my whole entire life I always had someone I knew with me. Primary school was cool. I had a good self esteem because I was the sporty kid and that's all people knew me for which I didn't mind. Highschool came and I made new friends which were friends til the end of highschool.
Then came uni. Which was a test to everything. I was by myself. Noone went to usyd. Noone was my friend. I tried making friends but noone makes friends in usyd. Tbh they were snobs. Every morning i cried on the way to tutorials because i'd sit in the class waiting anxiously for whether the tutor would pick on me and i was always nervous to answer because i just didn't understand the work. I really shouldn't have went to uni. It just made me a worse person, mentally.
All my jobs were given. My sister referred me to my first job and i worked with her. My second job was working for my uncle at his pharmacy which i still work at. Then the third job, which crashed me even more, was most definitely given to me because my eldest worked there and I mentioned her in my interview. That job shouldn't have happened because it made me take meds.
So as you can see (and so does my therapist sees), I've never been alone. I always worked with someone I knew and went to school with people I knew. And the one time I didn't know anyone was in university.
And that's when, ladies and gents, I started having social anxiety. Hated going out without people I knew. Hated big parties/outings. Hated meeting new people. Hated catching up with old friends. There was just nothing in the middle that made me feel socially open to talk to people. And as a result, I found out I'm a big fat introvert.
I used to think I was an extrovert because I was outspoken in school and liked answering questions or talking in class, but nope. I'm an introvert. I found out i like to chill at home. Didn't like going out all the time with even my friends or boyfriend. I kept to myself a lot. I didn't/don't share a lot of things about myself. I was/am quiet. And i used to feel really shitty about this part of myself because people have said these things about me, but seriously. That's who I am. Accept it. Don't tell me otherwise. Don't put me down because of these things you don't like about me. If i don't share things openly like you, that's who I am. I'm not sharing anything to you because i don't like or trust you. I just like to talk to myself and write stuff down in a diary. I just work that way ok. I used to think for a seriously long time that this was a problem I had to fix about myself, but now id like to say f* you if you ever want me to change.
That's one part of myself that I had to overcome. And gosh it took a goddamn long time. A freaking long time to have ACCEPTANCE. ACCEPT WHO I AM AS OKAY.
Anyway anxiety sucks but I've overcame it slowly.
I try to go gym, jog, play with my dog charlie everyday, listen to music and watch glee at night (lol).
But happy news. I finally got a job which i earned myself. And this time, I knew noone and am working with strangers. So first step to overcoming social anxiety and anxiety in general because it's not easy being new to the job and meeting like 50 people in Priceline. Thankfully everyone is super lovely and helpful and I have this background in pharmacy that allows me to transfer smoothly into this new job. I still have anxiety thinking about it the night before i go to work because im still so hard on myself and think im going to make mistakes - what's wrong with you emily- kind of thoughts.
Yeah... but having charlie, friends, family and drew beside me is really comforting. Drew has been a huge sport. This has been something new to him and i used to be harsh on him for not knowing what to do when i was panicking but now he knows and i love him.
Charlie too. He may be a dog but dogs have feelings. I took him out to pee at 3am this morning and for some reason, I just got sick while walking downstairs. I started to get cold/hot flushes in my head and my head froze so i collapsed on the stairs trying to make my way up to get someone to help me. Anyway charlie was the first to get to me coz he went to pee lol but he barked and my mum came and from what she told me, she just saw me on the stairs and it scared the living shit out of her. Turns out i fainted... from not eating properly.... that's another story. ANYWAY drew recalls charlie jumping to my side and looking all frantic and then he sat on the ground just watching quietly and patiently to see what was happening to me. And then drew picked him up and he laid next to me.
So mentally, my health isn't at the greatest. I'm still dealing a lot with my confidence, self-esteem and body image. I'm like your typical teenage girl who looks at instagram models and wishes i was them. Nah i know im not going to be as beautiful or skinny or pretty and glamourised as them. But life's not fair you know. And tbh I dont know if i like my life. I struggle to like it and create it because i don't even know who the hell i am.
I'm like a big question mark. Gosh i hate myself so much. This whole damn post is about talking down on me and how a bloody rollercoaster my life has been. Why can't i just be a dog
So i'm trying to use this platform as my form of therapy since i'm not seeing a therapist or my psychiatrist. They're expensive. I hope to get off my meds one day. My psychiatrist said that once i have my life wrapped around the way i want it, my life will get better and there will be no space for depression. That's when i get off them.
at the moment, things are cool. They're okay. Nothing dramatic or nervous.
I can't wait for the day when i love my life and me.
catch you later
March
My last post was back in January and sadly I don't really have anything to report on about my life lately. Since entering the year I've been applying every week for jobs, hoping I'd get a call in the next couple of days or weeks. I've been fortunate to receive a call from one job and had an interview but didn't receive the job in the end. But I was happy that I could experience an interview and shake off the nerves off before having to go to another one.I have a lot of time off, to myself and I guess I've been sharing that time with Drew. If I can, I go over to his house and just stay there and go on my laptop and watch a couple of shows. Or I do some cleaning and help around the house if my mum ever asks. I take my mum out occasionally to places that she wants to go because she can't drive and she stays at home all day. On days I have off, I really want to make the most of it because I hate wasting time. Everyday I just pray that I receive an email or call saying "Hi Emily, we'd like to have a chat to you about the job and your application". I want to fill up my time by doing something that involves making money. I'm stressing so much about money because I'm contributing to house bills now and I split it with my sisters. Every quarter, it'll come to about $500-$600 so I've been trying to save everytime I know a set of bills is going to come around. At first I was okay with it, but then I realized I wasn't making any money because I had other things to pay for. I would lose more than what I earn because of these bills. If I was to look at it on the positive side, I'm helping my parents in the long run and I'm preparing myself for when I move out in the future. So January was the occasional job hunting, working, go out with friends and Drew. February was a little more eventful because I went on a short cruise and getaway for Valentines Day. The cruise was only 3.5 days with Drew's family in celebration of his dad's 50th birthday. It was nice to be away and have food... food that was prepared and you didn't have to travel great lengths to get it or wait for it to be made. Our activities were a little limited because the length of the cruise sort of accommodated to older adults, so activities were like Bingo and comedy shows. Nothing really for the youth... but I guess that's for like the 7-12 night cruises. But me and Drew enjoyed our unlimited alcohol package in which we scouted for pina coladas at every bar and paid for it on our special card. Then straight after we came back, we drove the next day to Blackheath (near Blue Mountains) and spent a couple days there for Valentines Day. I think this will be the last trip away together for a while because we're both being cautious of our money since we go out all the time. We didn't really do anything there haha We spent most of our time inside the house that we fully bought out. It was so lovely! It had 3 bedrooms with fully made queen beds, a kitchen, bathroom, living room and reading room. We only used the kitchen, bathroom, living and one bedroom haha But we wanted to book an entire place to ourselves and it was lovely. Oh not to mention a beautiful garden at the back! But yes, we drove down to the Blue Mountains and looked at the three sisters for about an hour and headed home haha We were like cavemen. Sleepy, tired, netflix and just constant eating. And now that leads to March. I'm still job hunting and praying everyday that I'll receive a call from some workplace that I've applied for. I haven't planned any further trips or plans as a holiday. I'm hoping this is my year to settle with a full time job. I'm sort of done (well taking a break) from traveling. I think being in Europe twice says enough about traveling haha If anything, I'll enjoy exploring our own country or road trips outside of Sydney. But for now, I hope before my next post (whenever I remember to do it) I'll have a job by then :) Thursday, March 8, 2018 4:11 PM 2018
Hi. So it's 2018 and we would generally make a resolution for the new year but I don't like having one tbh. It's a lot of pressure to tell people what you would like to achieve in the new year and then not actually achieving it. I do have one though that I would definitely like to have... a new job. But in terms of everything else that's going on in my life, I don't have any other ambitions. Does that make me boring? Idk.. maybe. Maybe I could have more interests or develop new aspirations and ideas in my life but like... I don't have any? lol I could volunteer overseas but I ceebs traveling. I feel like I've ticked traveling off the box the past 2 years. I feel like I've had so much fun the past 2 years that it's time to stop? But I don't want toooo. But I really should because I'm turning 23, going on 24, 25, 26 and I'll regret not doing enough in my early 20s to get to where I am in my later 20s.I'd also like to have a proper income. Start earning good money and start investing. Maybe set aside a savings account where I can put certain amounts of money in every week so it'll pay towards like my wedding or something lol Things to look forward to in 2018? A new job haha Seriously, it would make me happy knowing I'm going to earn a lot more than I do now (will probs get taxed more too hmph) and all that will be adult money. Because right now I feel like the money I'm earning now is food, holidays, alcohol, clubbing, transport... all.. fun stuff... am I right lol Not that it's bad but I want to start putting my money towards to an apartment? Drew's going to be homeless soon and he really wants me to move in with him but being asian, my parents will obviously be like 'put a ring on her first and she'll move in' so I've emphasized that to him, but we're not getting married lol Not til we're 30 (says Drew) Poor Drew. I hate it when he has to find a new place to live and pay. He doesn't earn enough to pay the rent for an apartment or room for a week, and he's not stressing at all (but he really should). I know it makes him sad and it makes me sad too... because things would be so much easier if I was allowed to move in with him coz the rent would go down. Legit. In our area it's at least 400 bux a week to rent a granny flat/ apartment/ room. Anyways I could go on about Drew. Or should I???????? hehehe Have a fantastic new year!!!! Tuesday, January 9, 2018 9:15 PM the bright side
So I've reached the other side where things are looking up since the incident.I've had almost all my cards replaced, bought another new phone and retrieved my old number back. And guess what? I bought my first car!!!!!!!!!! And I couldn't be any more happy!!! My two goals this year was to buy a bed and a car, and I can tick both of them off! I can't believe it. It was a dream in the making wanting my own car and not having to share it with my sisters anymore. So taking the responsibility of looking for one, arranging a meeting and then inspecting it, was a test to my social abilities. I was really anxious the first time I had to do an inspection and I feel like I've grown up so much as an adult :) I may not have the greatest career path right now but I feel like buying your first car or property is a huge achievement! I didn't know it was such a stressball looking around for good insurance and seeing how much and what to pay when owning a car. BUT I know so much more about them and it's all worth my money in the end for the cute vehicle I bought :D I'm so incredibly happy even though I've had my things stolen and I'm like so broke right now after Europe and this purchase, but I'm happy :) Also, I'm happy that I have someone like Drew that helped me through all my sadness. If it wasn't for him, I'd still be hung over right now about my belongings and without a car. Friday, September 15, 2017 11:02 PM Barcelona
My heart is so heavy.My phone and wallet was stolen in Barcelona from my side bag when I was exploring a park with my sisters. The most upsetting thing about this was 1. I don't know how it happened. My bag was with me on my side the whole time and I didn't feel a nudge or hear an unzip from my bag. And 2. I only just bought my phone a little over a month ago. I know it can be replaced but it's made me feel empty and very sad. Everytime I think about how the situation could have been like, it makes me more sad. How I entered Gaudi's house and took some pictures and then I walked out and it was gone like that. It felt like I just had my phone yesterday and it was perfectly brand new. I just bought the damn phone and now it's made me so sick of spending. Spending on this trip which I'm only less than 3/4 of the way through and then having to go and buy another new phone, license, wallet, etc when I come home. I just don't know how it happened. I don't like how they've touched and gone through my wallet right about now. Touched my cards, cash, luggage keys. How they've touched my phone and looked at my wallpaper and also the polaroid I had attached at the back of my phone of me and Drew that was taken on my birthday. I hate how they've now probably had the phone reset and used the phone for themselves from my hard working money. I hate how they stole my belongings and I didn't know. What's worse is that I also miss home and Drew. And it's Drew's birthday today in Aus time and I can't be there to celebrate it with him. It also upsets me that he's probably upset that I'm not there with him but he tells me he's "okay". I'm so upset at so many things, including myself. Why didn't I look after my bag more carefully, even though I thought it was secure. Why did I believe the slightest chance that these scumbags weren't going to touch my things that day. I just remember so clearly the moment I checked my side bag after putting my phone back in when I left Gaudi's house, that my bag was empty. I felt like it happened 30 seconds after I exited the home. How did I not feel it. How on earth did they do it Now I'm just trying to enjoy the 3.5 weeks I have in Europe with the very little that I have. But I'm just so traumatized, it's the last thing I think of before I sleep. Thursday, August 17, 2017 1:24 AM |
Affiliates
Cynthia Luong
Jessica Phan
Jun Sengmany
Lyanna Ros
Mai Le
Maria Chan
Nancy Luu
Othilia Nguyen-Le
William Tran
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